Glenn Beck Fans Duped Into Buying Magic Beans

Apocalypse Now?

Whether it be a run on ammo, canned goods or seeds, it appears irrational fears are giving drive to a cottage industry of doom. The constant threat of Armageddon has caused common sense to be replaced with nonsense. For months people have been told by certain right wing pundits that death panels are coming to kill senior citizens. Rumors of secret armies and concentration camps permeate the internet. Many hid their children at home fearing a welcome back to school speech from the President was an attempt at communist indoctrination. Opponents of health care have gotten so riled up that many now believe that the legislation will lead to the destruction of the United States.

I disagree. I have a little more faith in my country. Our nation has survived wars, terror attacks, natural disasters and the music of the Backstreet Boys. Call me crazy, but I do not think that providing health care opportunities for our citizens will lead to the end of days. In fact, I think it will make our country stronger. The again, maybe I am wrong. They laughed at Noah when he warned a flood would wipe out civilization. Instead of poking fun at these people, perhaps I should start building a boat. Anyone know where I get a good deal on some lumber and maybe a couple of giraffes?

Of course, not all share my faith in our nation's resilience. In addition to the golden eggs of sponsor Goldline, it appears Glenn Beck fans are now being duped into buying magic beans. New show sponsor "The Survival Seed Bank" reminds viewers that "you don't have to be an Old Testament prophet to see what's going on all around us." They ask potential customers if they can survive "off the grid" as an "aloof ruling elite" introduces totaliatarianism. Worried. Don't be. In the words of Sean Hannity "let not your heart be troubled." If you have water, sunlight and $150, you may be able to survive.

Yes, for only $150, you can buy seeds to start your own crisis garden from show sponsor "Survival Seed Bank". According to their site these are not ordinary seeds. They are open pollinated "Super Seeds." You can grow carrots that will leap over corn stalks in a single bound. Eggplant more powerful than a locomotive. Beets that will go through you faster than a speeding bullet. These are exciting vegetables. My only concern would be that if I am stuck in an enclosed unventilated bunker for months, do I want to feed my fellow survivors super cabbage and three types of beans?

The purveyors of crisis gardens fit well with the chalk stained doom & gloom prophecies of Glenn Beck. With reputable national sponsors leaving the show in droves, the former Top 40 DJ has resorted to scrounging for advertising dollars from snake oil salesmen. Would you be surprised if his next sponsor was the maker of tinfoil hats that block government mind control waves. Simply put, Glenn Beck irks me. The guy is bad for the country. Sitting in front portraits of the founding fathers, he makes money by manipulating the feeble minded. Each and every show, the pudgy pied piper tells his audience that the sky is falling. Of course, if you remember the story of Chicken Little, it was not the sky that was falling. It was only a nut falling from a tree. That's what we have here. A bunch of nuts.

Nevertheless, the good people at the survival seed bank tell us that seeds will be worth more than silver and gold. The cost for a seed kit is normally $297, but if you order through the website they can be yours for only $149.00. Of course, if you do decide to buy the magic beans, be forewarned Patriots and tea aficionados. There shall be no future discounts once the end of days arrive.

My advice. Buy your seeds at Walmart. You can use the savings to build a survival shelter with extra ventilation.

(Editors note: Unfortunately, the survival seeds do not appear to include seeds for growing tea plants.)