Saving Old Glory From Obama. Are the Birthers Right?

A Lawyer's Encounter With a Birther

My grandfather always told me never to bring up politics or religion. Unfortunately, I broke that rule today when a man came into my office wanting to sue someone. He said he couldn't pay me, but it was my duty to take on this case as a patriotic American. "I'm a patriotic American." I thought. " I could give this guy five minutes of my time." I invited the man to have a seat, pulled out a yellow legal pad and clicked open my pen. "So how can I help you and Old Glory?" I inquired. "We need to sue Barack Hussein Obama, the usurper". "Fear not, Macbeth; no man that's born of woman shall e'er have power upon thee." I exclaimed as I showed off my knowledge of Shakespeare.

"But that's my point. Obama ain't no natural born." he claimed. "Are you telling me MacDuff errr Obama was not born of a woman?" I asked incredulously. "No, he was born in Kenya and is a Muslim. He's not a natural born citizen. He can't be president. Didn't they teach you about the constitution in your fancy New York law school?" I sat in stunned silence. No one ever called my law school fancy before. Mr. Peanut laid out his argument. I was fortunate to be graced with the truth. As a reader of this blog, I now share that insight with you. The words he produced were like beautiful brush strokes on an old painter's canvas. Every time he put extra inflection on the word "Hussein", I swore I heard an angel flap its wings.

"Why won't he produce the birth certificate?" he demanded. And why hasn't his birth doctor come forward? I made the mistake of informing Mr. Peanut that the birth doctor apparently died and that dead people tend to have difficulty in giving press conferences. "How convenient. Probably a CIA hit to hide the truth." Even before he uttered CIA, my first clue should have been the heavy plastic binders he brought overflowing with countless laminated pages. I had a little experience with conspiracy theorists. Before private practice, I worked for a member of the Kennedy clan. As you can imagine, Kennedys are like crack to these people. Nevertheless, like an unfortunate teen camper in a slasher film, I decided to investigate further. What's that scraping noise? Don't worry, let me find out. I'll ask the guy in the hockey mask. As Mr. Peanut rambled on, I began accessing my options. The jump out of my window would not necessarily kill me, but my wife surely would for ruining my new suit. Faking a heart attack was out of the question. I used that trick last week. It also didn't help that the ambulances drivers knew I was in perfect shape. They often watched me run after them. I decided to trudge onward.

Now, I have always been of the opinion that the constitution guarantees you the right to be a jackass. If you want to believe that the world is flat, unicorns exist or that WWE wrestling is real, be my guest. In a weird way, I enjoy these occasional nuts that wander into my office. They make great cocktail conversation and give me fodder for my blog. They only seem to get dangerous when they find a little support in the mainstream. Not surprisingly, Mr. Peanut mentioned a small group of Congressmen, Lou Dobbs, G. Gordon Liddy, Alan Keyes, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and the editor of the World Net Daily who claims he uncovered Wikipedia discrepancies in listing Obama's birth as proof. Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia that allows anyone to alter the entries? Well, I'm sold.

My client also mentioned lawyers that supported the "birther cause." "Lot's of lawyers already agree with me" Mr. Peanut added confidently. I smiled. "Anyone I know?" I like when people hold lawyers in high esteem. I like that mothers want their kids to grow up to be members of the bar. I always smile when a shopkeeper brags that his clients include attorneys as if it is a source of prestige. As such, I scoffed at the notion that a member of the bar would jump on the Birther conspiracy bandwagon. The hours of law study, the strenous bar exam....you have to have some semblance of intelligence to become a lawyer. Then again, think of the lawyers you know. Not all of our bar bretheren are exactly Mensa candidates. After practicing for a few years, it's clear that you can be book smart and a yet a complete moron. I do not mean to come off snooty. But whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, the argument regarding Obama's birth seems well settled. Even Ann Coulter says it's a dead issue.

Newspaper accounts announced his birth, the state of Hawaii produced a birth certificate with a raised seal, the director of Hawaiian public health confirmed the birth, the Republican governor of Hawaii confirmed his birth, his mother was a US citizen, he underwent a strenous vetting process, and I am fairly confident Hawaii is a state. I think it's the one where Magnum lives with Higgins. So what's the debate about? Frankly, I don't get it. Wouldn't there be some record of entry at customs that the Obamas brought a kid back into the country. We've been keeping these types of records since Ellis Island. Do birthers really believe that there was a conspiracy for 40 plus years over several continents in a plan to someday make Barack Obama president. A conspiracy that would have to include planted birth announcements in the 60s, the bribing of the Republican governor of Hawaii and the state's health director, the destruction of Kenyan birth records and committing the deaths of several witnesses including Obama's parents and the birth doctor. The obvious answer is that Obama's grandmother, knowing that her grandson would one day run for president, had a time machine and traveled back in time to place newspaper announcements in 1960s Hawaii even though he was born in Kenya. Why isn't anyone investigating Michael J Fox? He has access to a time machine. Look for newspaper accounts of lightning storms hitting clock towers in Honolulu, Hawaii in 1961

So was Obama born in the US? Of course he was. Now you can go back to debating whether the moon landing occurred. Glad to help.